Dad. You are “Dad” from when you said, “Oh, Honey, that was great!” all the way to hearing, “You $@#%@!!!!! get out of my face and get this thing out of me!” Dad.
Maybe it was your intention to become Dad, but it doesn’t matter now—those notions are all moot at this point. She wants blueberry popsicles and a cracker, or she’s going to throw up in bed. How sexy is that? What were you thinking, Dad?
The first trimester in this journey is going to show you the full power of female hormones. Forget everything you’ve been told about women and their cycles, moodiness and menstruation. This position of masculine understanding is not where you are.
Post pictures of a Tasmanian devil and an exotic night-blooming lily on your bathroom mirror. Put an “X” between them and write “you are here.” The upside is that a trimester isn’t unbearably long… as a rule.
During the second trimester, you can look forward to being called on frequency to observe your child. You cannot see this person, but you will be commanded to photograph his or her containment area and to touch those places where your progeny is kicking. The awe is real; go ahead and get dipped…Dad.
Beginning the third trimester is a fool-you pothole in the road. By this time, you think you know the ropes. Your wife can be moody, she is “nesting” (according to all the literature), she is alternately proud of and appalled by her distended belly, and it’s your job to make her truly believe that she is sexier than ever (honestly, sometimes that’s true, and other times not so much).
Heralding the last leg of this flight are your wife’s indigestion and ever-more-frequent need to pee. It is your job to have antacid tablets and a suitable bathroom at her disposal when she is in your presence. If you know how to use a screwdriver to assemble the crib, you’ll get points for that. Otherwise, nothing is “all about you” anymore. Get over it.
In the end, Nature will have her way with you and your wife, as this blessing emerges with cries of disgust, “Why have you done this to me?” That’s your baby, not your wife! This baby is angry! It’s going to need your attention and patience for—forever…Dad.
Oh, Honey, that was great!